


How to Ruin the Holidays

by lenfaz



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, While You Were Sleeping AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-09-13 07:58:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9114106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenfaz/pseuds/lenfaz
Summary: Kids, this is the story of how Killian Jones ruined Christmas, Emma Swan ruined New Year’s Eve and how they fell in love in between.





	1. Chapter 1

The best time of Killian’s day, Mondays to Fridays, was between 8.01am and 8.15am, when she would pass through his booth on the way to the train. Blond hair, slender figure cut in beautiful tailored suits, mastering a power walk with her high heels, standing on the platform checking her phone or the newspaper as she waited for her train. A complete vision. 

_His princess._

One day, he will finally find the courage to talk to her. And it would be perfect, just like fairytales.

But as he hid his missing hand from view and got lost into her eyes while she handed him her token, he knew today was not that day.

Perhaps tomorrow. Or the next.

/-/

It was the morning of Christmas’ Day and Killian sat there on his booth, a book tucked under his elbow as he simply got lost looking at the emptiness that laid before him.

Another holiday, another day where he picked up the shift - or was asked to pick up the shift - so the others could celebrate with their families. He’d worked on Thanksgiving and he was scheduled to work on New Year’s Eve as well. He’d been looking forward to having the day off on Christmas. He’d even gotten a tree for his small one bedroom apartment and set it up with brand new gold and red decorations and weaved tiny white lights in it. There was tinsel on the window frames and he’d even hung a small piece of mistletoe under his door. But then reality came crashing in when Nemo asked him to take on one more shift so Aurora could spend the night with her husband who just arrived home on leave from the Army. Killian couldn’t say no to that.

So here he was, December 25th, just another day that reminded him that he, Killian Jones, was all alone.

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t realize that his blonde angel had come into his booth, sliding her token for him to take.

“Merry Christmas,” she greeted, her lips curved into a sincere smile.

He simply stayed there, frozen, his mouth gaping as he was unable to utter a single word to the woman that had haunted his dreams and led his fantasies for weeks. Killian ran a hand through his hair and over his face, mentally cursing himself over his sheer stupidity.

When he lifted his head again, his eyes trained on the platform, the sight brought him quickly to his feet. The blonde was being robbed, struggling with two men that had reached for her bag. He got out of his booth just as the two men knocked her and she fell into the tracks.

Killian had two choices: he could either chase the men that were running away from the platform, leaving the bag forgotten on the floor, or he could go assist the woman that had just fallen into the tracks. He hastily made his way into the side of the platform where she’d fallen.

Her body laid spread between the tracks, her eyes shut. Killian called for her, but it seemed she was unconscious. From the corner of his eye, he saw one of the trains approaching in the distance. His heart sank in his chest as he frantically looked around. There wasn’t a soul that could assist him in that moment and he wasn’t going to make it back to the emergency phone on time.

Killian didn’t hesitate as he jumped into the tracks and leaned into the woman.

“Lass, talk to me,” he said as he shook her gently, with just enough force to try to wake her up. But it was a futile attempt, it seemed the fall had caused her at least a concussion. From up close, he could see her porcelain skin and lovely features, but Killian had no time to relish on the moment. The train was fast approaching and he only had one option left. He reached for he lass with his hand and stump, pulling her out of the train’s way as he shielded her body with his.

/-/

It was a hectic ride to the hospital, the paramedics focused mainly on assisting the woman - Elsa Fisher, according to the driver’s license they found on the wallet in her purse - and they paused from time to time to inquire about him. He only had a few bruises where his body had connected with the tracks as he pushed Elsa out of the way of the upcoming train, and he was mainly concerned for the wellbeing of the lovely woman that had yet to wake up.

She was rushed into the hospital the moment they arrived, doctors and nurses pouring over her with machines and tubes. Killian’s steps followed them, eager to be near her in such moment. But he was soon stopped by a couple of doctors.

“Family only.”

Killian tried to protest, to beg that they let him see her, or at least keep him informed of her condition, but the doctor was adamant in his words.

_Family only._

He watched as the sliding doors closed and they took her into the ICU. “I was going to marry her,” he sighed, running a hand through his hair and collapsing on a chair nearby.

/-/

He wasn’t sure how long he sat on that chair, but at some point, a redhead nurse - her name tag read Ariel - approached him and slowly guided him to the ICU with a soft smile. Killian walked into the room, the sight of Elsa lying on the bed, asleep, breaking his heart.

“Talk to her,” Ariel said encouragingly, leading him to a chair near the bed.

Killian sat slowly, bringing his eyes to study Elsa’s features. He’d barely uttered a word or two before a doctor approached and introduced himself. Killian stood and was shaking the doctor’s hand when an onrush of people barged into the room. They all spread around Elsa’s bed, talking to each other and demanding to know what happened. Killian made himself as small as possible as he tiptoed out of the way. He heard the doctor explained that Elsa was in a coma before one of the women - she was blonde, mid-age and sported an uncanny resemblance to Elsa - spotted him.

“And you are…?” she inquired in a polite tone.

Killian’s eyes shifted from the woman to the rest of the group: a redhaired girl that seemed younger than him, an older woman with grey hair and a stern look, a dark-haired man about his age and a young boy that could not be more than ten years old.

“My name is Killian Jones,” he started in a hesitant voice, aware of the inspection he was being subjected to, and resisting the urge to hide his left arm and his missing hand. “I’m-”

“He’s her fiancé!” Nurse Ariel said with a soft smile.

_What?_ His heart sank in his chest as he noticed all the eyes in the room locked on him.

“Elsa is engaged?” the redhead said. “Since when? August, did you know about this?”

The dark-haired man replied. “I had no clue… Ingrid, did you know?”

“We- We haven’t talked in a while,” the mid-age blond sighed.

“I wonder if she told Emma,” the redhead said, a hint of jealousy on her voice.

“We’ll have to ask her when she comes back into town.” The blonde gave him a big smile. “I’m Ingrid, and these are Anna and August, Elsa’s siblings.”

“I’m the only biological sibling, actually,” Anna cut her off, waving her hands. “Elsa and I came to live with aunt Ingrid when our parents died. She later adopted August and Emma, who you have yet to meet. Have you met Emma?”

“No, I - I think there’s-,” he started hesitantly but the nurse cut him off.

“You should see how heartbroken he was when they didn’t let him in to see her. Whispering against the glass that he was going to marry her.” She sighed as if she were telling the most romantic story. Before Killian could react and set the record straight, Ariel continued. “And he saved her life!”

“What?” Ingrid asked. “They told us she fell from the platform into the tracks.”

“He jumped after her and pushed her from the tracks as the train was coming.”

“Did you?” August asked.

All eyes were back on him and Killian felt himself blush. “Aye, I-” but it was all he could say before Ingrid was enveloping him in a tight hug.

“We’re so glad she found you. Thank you for keeping my baby alive.”

_Bloody Hell._

/-/

Killian tried to leave the room several times, claiming that perhaps it was best for Elsa’s immediate family to stay with her. Each time he was met with a dismissal wave from Ingrid, stating that he was as much family as the rest of them. It was only after he promised them that he’d keep in touch, taking the business cards they thrusted in his hand, that he was finally allowed to leave.

He quickly located Ariel, the nurse that had started this entire ordeal and when he told her of the confusion, she simply shrugged her shoulders, claiming that perhaps this was the way the universe was trying to bring him and Elsa together.

Determined to get a good night of rest and call to explain the truth to the family the next day, Killian headed home. No matter what he did, his apartment feel even more somber than before, and after a few hours of tossing and turning in his bed, he finally got up, put on some clothes and headed back to the hospital.

According to the nurse on call, there were no changes in Elsa’s condition. Killian sighed as he sat by her bed, careful not to disrupt anything.

“I’m sorry, lass,” he exhaled deeply. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen and now I don’t know how to explain this to your family. My name is Killian Jones, and you’ve seen me each week day for the past sixteen weeks, as I work in the train ticket booth. I live on a small one bedroom apartment that has seen better days, and I collect rare books.” He grimaced. “I lost my left hand in an accident almost eight years ago, and let me confess, this is not the life I thought I’d live. But this is the life I got.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I wonder what life you have: you seem successful and very sure of yourself. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t have given me the time of the day even if I dared to ask you out one morning.” Killian tilted his head studying her features. “Do you believe in love at first sight? You probably don’t.” He chuckled. “Have you ever fallen in love with someone you haven't even talked to?” His voice broke, his emotions finally wearing him down. “Have you ever felt so lonely that you spend the night baring your soul to someone in a coma?”

He waited for an answer he knew wasn’t coming before he continued. “I got the chance to meet your family today and they seem lovely. I don’t know what happened that you decided to pull away from them but you should know they were all here, eager to see you well. Wake up, darling, so your family can have you back,” he finished as he rested his forehead on the edge of the bed.

It seemed Killian fell asleep at some point during the night, because the next thing he knew, it was broad daylight and Ingrid was gently shaking his arm.

“You spent the night here?” she asked with a mix of concern and admiration.

“Aye, it seems I did.” He quickly stood up and straightened his clothes. “I’ll leave you to it.”

“Killian!” Ingrid called for him. “We didn’t get a chance to celebrate Christmas yesterday, with everything that happened, so we thought we could have a small family celebration today. We’d like you to join us.”

“I - I couldn’t. It seems that it should be family only,” he deflected, the tips of his ears turning pink.

“You’re family. Or at least you’ll become family soon.” Ingrid reached for his hand and squeezed it. “Please come celebrate Christmas with us. You need to meet Emma. She’s my other daughter and Henry’s mother. She’s been out of town for work but she’s finally coming back. She and Elsa used to be really close and I know she’d like to meet you.”

Killian hesitated, wanting very much to give up on the charade and tell Ingrid the truth. But he didn’t think it would be a good idea to traumatize this poor family any further on the one day they set to celebrate their already wrecked holiday.

He tried to rake his brain for a reason to say no, but the idea of coming back home to his lonely apartment and frozen meal rested heavily in his heart. Perhaps it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have one family celebration. For once, to pretend there was something like that in the cards for him.

Just one night. And then he’ll tell them the truth.

“What should I bring?”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Later that afternoon, Killian stood in front of Ingrid’s house. The place looked breathtaking with its Christmas decoration: there were tiny white lights and tinsel all around the porch, and small iron lanterns and candles spread around the snow blanket that covered the front yard. He climbed the steps to the front door, holding the bottle of red wine in the crook of his left elbow as he reached to ring the doorbell. A few moments later, Ingrid opened the door with a wide smile and the same little boy that was in the hospital by her side.

“Come on in, Killian!” She motioned for him to enter the house and took the bottle he offered her. “Thank you so much, you didn’t have to bring anything.”

“I wanted to.”

“I hope you’re hungry! There’s plenty of food.” She turned around with a beaming smile. “This is Henry, Emma’s son. He was at the hospital the other day but I’m not sure if you guys got to know each other.”

Killian shook his head and bend over to meet Henry’s eyes. “Killian Jones, lad.”

“Nice to meet you,” Henry said as he shook his head and gave him a beaming smile that Killian couldn’t help but mirroring. “Tell me, you like books?”

“I love books,” Killian offered.

“Cool, let me show you the one my mom gave me before she went out of town. It’s great!” Henry took his hand and tugged him further into the house. Killian gave Ingrid a questioning glance and Ingrid nodded encouragingly.

“I’ll call you when dinner is ready, don’t worry.”

Killian followed Henry into the living room and was soon absorbed into a world of book and stories with Henry. He was instantly taken with the lad, his sincere eyes and friendly smile reminding him of the good things of having a family. Henry insisted that Killian sat next to him during the dinner, and he spent most of the meal answering questions about his favorite books and other more polite inquiries from the rest of the family. He spoke at length - or as much as he could - about things that were not really interesting like his job or his life. But everyone around the table seemed eager to hear anything he had to say about himself. He dodged most of the questions about Elsa and their relationship with a dexterity that was surprising to him.

After desert, they all moved to the living room and sat by the fire, ready to open the presents. Killian tried to excuse himself, but Ingrid and Anna insisted it was family tradition and he needed to be there. Ingrid was about to open her first present when the front door opened forcefully.

“I’m sorry, there was an accident on the highway and I was stuck in traffic for hours!”

The words had been spoken by a young woman with blonde hair, green eyes and a fierce smile. She peeled off the red leather jacket and the gloves she was wearing just in time to hug Henry, who had darted from his place next to Killian and had collapsed into her.

“Mom! You made it!!”

“Sorry I’m late, kid,” she whispered affectionately.

“Did you catch the guy?” Henry asked eagerly and the woman nodded.

“Come, Emma, we’ve just started opening the presents.” Ingrid stood up and hugged her. “Let me get you a plate with food.”

“Thanks, I’m starving.” Emma smiled before her eyes focused on him. “Is this-”

“This is Killian Jones, Elsa’s fiancé,” August pointed out from his place on the couch. Emma’s eyebrows shot in surprise and August chuckled. “Ok, so you were not lying earlier when you said you knew nothing about it.”

“I told you, she never mentioned a boyfriend, or a fiancé.” Emma hadn’t taken her eyes away from him and Killian felt she was peeling off his layers one by one as she studied him. “I’m Emma,” she finally said, her hand darting out to greet him.

He took her hand in his, and for a moment he almost brought it to his lips to press a soft kiss, but he stopped himself at the very last minute. Her hand felt warm and comfortable in his, and Killian found himself lost in the green of her yes.

Ingrid coming back with a plate of food was enough to break the moment and Killian resumed his position by the fireplace as the entire family took turns opening gifts and Emma cleared two servings of food in between opening her presents. Somehow, Killian couldn’t shake the feeling that her eyes were constantly on him.

“And last, but not least, Killian!” Ingrid said as she handed him a wrapped gift.

“Oh no- I can’t-” He blushed furiously.

“Please, it’s tradition!” Anna said as she took the gift from Ingrid and thrusted it in his hand. Conscious of several set of eyes looking at him, he maneuvered with his one hand to tear the paper. The box contained a beautiful blue sweater and he could feel the tears coming to his eyes.

“Thank you,” he professed, his eyes scanning the people in the room, finding warmth and affection in all set of eyes but one.

His throat went dry as he witnessed the wariness in Emma’s eyes. She tilted her head and studied him.

“Where did you meet Elsa?” Her voice was cold and collected, as if she were interrogating a subject.

“Emma!” Ingrid admonished but Emma lifted her hand.

“Ingrid, we don’t know anything about him. Only the two or three things he’s told us. But there is no confirmation that he even-”

“It wouldn’t be the first time Elsa is keeping things from us, Emma, and you know it,” August said.

Killian placed the sweater back on the box, pulling back both his sleeves to maneuver a little more easily as he stood up. “Look, I think is best if I go.”

“No, please,” Anna said. “You don’t have to leave just because Emma is being her prickly self.”

Emma glared at her. “I’m just trying to look out for this family. He can be a crook!”

“Emma that is enough!” Ingrid’s voice cut through the living room. “Killian saved your sister’s life. He jumped into the tracks and protected her from the train that was coming. He risked his life to save hers!”

“Please!” Emma scoffed and walked a few steps to point at Killian’s arm. “He has the name of another woman tattooed on his arm! I cannot believe none of you noticed.” She zeroed in on him, her eyes scanning him relentlessly. “You showed up in here with just a tale and I’m supposed to buy that Elsa is in love with you, buddy?”

“I- I just-” He tried to reply but Emma was not letting him talk.

“What are you not telling us? Why are you really here?”

“Because I have no one,” he finally confessed, his eyes averting to the fire. “The name in the tattoo, Milah, she was my girlfriend. She died in the accident where I lost my hand. I- I moved here with my brother a few years ago, when he was diagnosed with a terminal disease. He - he passed away last spring.” He finally lifted his head, his eyes finding Ingrid. “I have no family.”

Ingrid’s eyes filled with tears as she reached to hug him. “You have us now.”

/-/

Emma didn’t let go of her suspicious that easily.

He’d been given Elsa’s belongings and the moment he noticed the fish food on her purse, Killian had rushed to her apartment to feed them. It was there where he ran into Emma again, counting her perplexing at not knowing her sister had an aquarium as a small victory. She followed him to donate blood the next morning, drilling him with questions about Elsa. Killian tried very hard to avoid her questions, thinking of buying himself some time. He wasn’t keen on continuing with the charade, but there was something in Emma that made him want to press her buttons to see how far she’d go. There was something in the way she rolled her eyes and scoffed, her blonde hair coming in short waves around her face when she was annoyed that was simply mesmerizing. Besides, Killian figured he should come clean to Ingrid first.

It was within those days that Killian realized how strong the bond of Elsa’s family was. Anna’s constant talking ended up providing him with a lot of information and Killian was able to piece together a tale of hard childhood experiences that had come to an end when Ingrid had taken them in. It seemed that she had a special gift of dealing with troubled teenagers in need of affection and care and had forged them into the close family they were today. It was clear that Elsa’s absence has created a deep wound in their family unit, and they seemed more than willing to let bygones be bygones and embraced her - and Killian by extent - back into their lives, no questions asked.

None of them asked questions, or hesitated about Killian’s story or lack of details.

_None but Emma_.

Which is why Killian groaned when he found her leaning against a yellow bug outside his apartment entrance.

“How did you find where I live?”

“I work bailbonds.” She gave him a casual shrug of her shoulder. “Finding people is what I do.”

Killian tilted his head appreciatively. “Aye… is there a reason for your visit? Do you have a 20-page questionnaire you want me to fill in? Perhaps a urine sample?”

She rolled her eyes in that way he’d come to appreciate even against his will. “I haven’t been that bad.”

“Yes, you have.”

“Well, then let me make it up to you by delivering your engagement present.”

His eyebrows shot up in his face. “My _what_?”

“Your engagement present. Ingrid insisted we get you one and Henry asked to pick it. Did you mention to him that you like books?” She asked with a mischievous smile.

“I might have.”

She motioned to the interior of her car. “Ta-da!”

He peeked and his breath caught in his throat at the sight of two beautiful wooden bookshelves. “August makes custom made furniture when he’s not busy trying to become a successful author.” Emma open the door of the bug. “Please tell me you have an elevator in there to reach your floor.”

“Sorry, lass. But I do have one hand to lend you.” He lifted his right hand and smirked.

The way she almost choked was comical. “Was that a joke?”

“You learn to do them from time to time. Eases up people’s perception. Come on, Swan. Let’s get this out of your car so you can resume your daily activities.”

It took a considerable amount of time to carry the bookshelves into his apartment and by the time there were done, Killian felt it was only his civic duty to offer her a hot beverage to Emma. She favored hot cocoa with cinnamon and he was glad he’d purchased a few mixes on the grocery store the last time he was there. They drank in comfortable silence as Emma helped him put his books into the new shelves, asking a few questions here and there about them.

By the time he walked her to her car, night had already fallen. Emma cursed as she found that two cars had parked too close to her and her bug was now in that spot for the night.

“Oh well, I guess I’m walking home.” She pulled her gray beanie further down her ears and adjusted her gloves.

“I’ll walk with you,” Killian offered.

“I don’t need protection.” Killian wasn’t even surprised that this was her original reaction, he’d come to understand in the last few days that Emma Swan was fiercely independent.

“I know you’re a tough-lass but it’s the least I can do.” He offered the crook of his elbow to her and she pondered for a moment before she interlaced her hand in it. They were silent for a few blocks before Killian noticed her shivering.

“That red leather might not be the best choice for a day like today.”

“I know… but it’s hard to part with it, especially around the holidays.” Emma moved a strand of hair out of her face. “It was the first Christmas gift Ingrid gave me.”

“I wouldn’t have pegged you for a sentimental, Swan.”

“Ingrid does bring that in me.” Emma admitted, her eyes meeting his.

“She sounds wonderful.” Killian stopped and removed his navy peacoat. “But you’re cold. Here, have mine.”

Emma took his coat and put it on. “Thank you,” she said as they resumed walking.

There was something lingering in the atmosphere after her confession and it made Killian want to share something as well. “The coat was my brother’s, Liam.”

Her eyes filled with understanding and he interrupted the apology he knew was coming to her lips. “It's ok. It’s not like you’re going to rip it and I know where you live - or at least your family.” He gave her a small smile before they resumed their walk. “We were planning to sail around the world before he got sick. He thought it would be a good thing for me, help me move on and find joy again.”

“I’m sorry,” she said as they reached her house and she gave him back his coat. “Now you know where I live,” she mentioned in passing and Killian nodded.

“Thank you for walking me ho-” Emma’s gratitude got cut off as she slipped on the ice near the sidewalk. Killian reached to steady her, slipping as well. After a few seconds of constant moving, they both seemed to regain their balance and they found in each other’s arms. One of Emma’s hand rested on his right arm, and the other one was fisting his shirt near where his heart was beating frantically. His hand and stump were on her hips, pulling her even closer to him. He could feel her breath against his lips and when he dared to look at her, her green eyes were widened with something that was more than just surprise. He watched, mesmerized, as her stare flickered to his lips for a moment before she seemed to remember who he was.

_Or who she thought he was._

“I -” she started as she pulled away and Killian let her go, feeling the cold invade him the moment he lost the closeness of her body.

“I better go.” He put a little more distance between them, fighting against the urge of reaching for her. “Goodnight, Emma.”

“Goodnight, Killian.”


	3. Chapter 3

 

On December 30th, Killian found himself again at Ingrid’s house for dinner. They had insisted that he should come to dinner for New Year’s Eve but he’d excused himself, claiming he had other plans. Which was somewhat the truth. He had been invited to his coworker Tink’s party but he had yet to confirm his presence. Killian figured spending a couple of hours in a quiet corner in that party before heading back to his apartment and welcome the new year on his own was a better option than continue weaseling himself into a family he didn’t belong to. No matter how much he ached to be part of it.

Especially when every time he’d lift his head from his meal, he’d find Emma’s emerald green eyes fixated on him, a soft smile gracing her lips and something that looked remarkably like yearning in her expression.

She’d been distant for the past couple of days ever since he walked her home and Killian had to admit he’d missed her presence in his life. Granted, the constant questioning had been a pain, but there was something in the way she rolled her eyes at him whenever he answered one of her inquiries with a blatant exaggeration. The way she shrugged her shoulders, clearing her throat and giving him a semi annoyed look, tugged at Killian’s in a way he wasn’t quite ready to acknowledge. Certainly, not when she was sitting in front of him at the table and he had to resist the urge to reach for her while he was answering questions about what his plans for a honeymoon with her sister were.

So, Killian did what he did best, hid those feelings at the very bottom of himself and refuse to let them out. He focused on answering Henry’s questions about books with a soft smile and a shrug of his shoulders.  He confessed to the lad - and the rest of the family that was sitting at the table - that he’d always dreamt of opening his own bookstore and perhaps pursuing some freelance book editing, but that his brother’s health had put a damper on those plans.

“Perhaps someday, with Elsa’s help, you can reach your dreams again,” Ingrid squeezed his hand affectionately and Killian had to swallow the lump in his throat. He didn’t deserve this kindness, he should really walk away and never look back…. and yet, one look at Emma made it impossible for him to leave the table.

When the night finally came to an end, he stood by the entrance and gave his goodbyes as Emma held on the door.

“Oh look,” Anna pointed. “Mistletoe.”

 “You have to kiss now!” Henry said.

“Oh no- I don’t think,” Emma and Killian both started but they were cut off by both Anna and Henry.

“It’s tradition!”

Killian sighed and turned his face to meet Emma’s. Her eyes widened for a brief second and darted to his lips before she leaned in softly, almost hesitantly. He met her halfway, closing his eyes the moment her lips kissed the corner of his mouth. It was nothing but a soft brush that didn’t even fully land on his lips, and yet Killian felt his entire world crumbling and shifting at his feet. He opened his eyes, dazed, only to find Emma hastily retreating.

He shook his head, beating himself over his nonsensical feelings.

“Goodnight,” was all he was able to muster before he quickly exited the house.

/-/

On the morning of New Year’s Eve, Killian headed to work and smiled softly at Tink as she took the booth next to him. He took the chance to finally confirmed he was going to the party in the evening and he almost laughed at the way Tink’s eyes widened in surprise. His smile only became bigger when Henry and Anna showed up to wish him a happy new year before boarding the train.  But the smile soon died on his lips when Anna blurted out that he was engaged to her sister on the way out of the booth.

Anna and Henry had just walked out when Tink drilled on him with questions. _What fiancée?_ _What girlfriend? Was he getting married because he’d knocked her up? Why hadn’t he said anything?_

Killian spent the rest of his shift dodging Tink’s most invasive questions and speaking as vaguely of his fiancée as he could. By the time he’d clocked out and headed home, he was seriously contemplating staying home and not leaving until the next morning. But he’d promised Tink he’d go to the party and had purchased a bottle of fine rum to contribute to the beverages table. He took a quick shower, picked up what he thought was a decent party outfit - including a trade of his brother’s coat for a black leather jacket - and grabbed the bottle, securing it on the nook of his elbow, before heading out.

He couldn’t really mask his surprise when he saw Emma leaning on the hood of her car outside his apartment. “Emma? What are you doing here?”

“You’re going out?” Emma fidgeted with the hem of her white sweater.

Killian nodded, adjusting his hold on the rum bottle. “My friend Tink has a party.”

“I can drive you.” She averted her eyes and he noticed her cheeks had a faint blush.

“It’s really not necessary.”

“Hop in, Killian.” Emma’s hand hit the car door twice as she motioned him to enter. Killian sighed and got into the car, his mind trying to understand why Emma would seek him.

“Did something happen?” He asked when they arrived and Emma tagged along behind him to the party. She’d been unusually quiet on the way to the party, as if she’d been trying to gather the courage to ask something but didn’t know how.

“No - yes, I mean,” Emma hesitated, seeming to struggle to find the words.

The door opened and Tink appeared, squealing in delight at the sight of them and motioning for them to come in. She grabbed their coats and redirected them to the drinks table. Emma followed him silently and grabbed a beer while Killian poured himself a healthy dose of rum, dawning it in one gulp. He finally had enough of Emma shadowing him and he grabbed the sleeve of her sweater and pulled her into a secluded corner.

“You have to tell me what’s going on, Swan.”

She struggled with her words, her eyes shifting from his eyes to his lips.

“Is this about last night? Under the mistletoe?” He asked softly, bending his head so his eyes were leveled with hers.

“What? No, that was nothing.” She protested, her body going stiff against the wall. “That meant nothing.”

“I thought so.” He ran his hand through his hair before he placed it against the wall, right next to her.

“It wasn’t even a real kiss,” Emma shrugged, her eyes darting again to his lips and he had to fight the urge of pressing his body even closer to hers.

“And how would a real kiss would look like to you?” Killian wasn’t sure what he was doing, it seemed he couldn’t control the way his tongue darted out to wet his lips or how he swayed closer into her space.

“Well, look how cute you two are!” Tink’s delighted voice broke him out of the spell he’d been under and he turned to find his friend smiling at him. “You make a lovely couple.”

“I’m not - he’s not,” Emma said as she weaseled away from him and Killian came to realize just how close they’d been.

“Wait a minute! Killian that is not your girlfriend? You were totally leaning on her!” Tink’s voice had acquired such volume that the entire room was now looking at them.

“I was not leaning,” he protested as he straightened, not daring to look at Emma as he felt the tips of his ears turn pink with embarrassment.

Tink’s sideways glance and expression was too much for him to bear. “Excuse me, I need some air.” Killian said as he quickly walked away, finding his jacket and shrugging it on. Coming here was a bad idea. He needed to get out.

“Killian! Killian!” Emma called for him when he was half a block away and he turned around. She quickly caught up with him, her breath panting as she gave him a quizzical look. “Are you ok?”

“Perhaps I should ask you the same question.” Killian scanned her face, trying to understand why was she following him. “Why did you come here in the first place?”

“I wanted to talk to you. I - I know Elsa and I haven’t talked much on the past few months, so I wondering, did she mentioned something to you about a previous relationship that might have gone wrong? I’m just trying to understand-”

Killian tilted his head in confusion, trying to understand what Emma was asking. Why would she think that Elsa might have had her heart broken? Suddenly, realization hit on him like a ton of bricks and he almost collapsed with the weight of what her words were implying.

“You think Elsa is on a rebound.” He meant the words to be a question but they came out as a sad, self-fulfilling statement of his life.

“Well, I mean…” She hesitated, her eyes filling with something that looked remarkably like pity.

Killian sighed, averting his gaze, not wanting to read those feelings in Emma’s eyes. “Aye, because that is the only way she’d be with someone like me, right?”

When he looked at her, she seemed to have softened her features, but there was still a hint of determination there. “Killian, I mean, you’re not her type.”

“Because I have a dead-beat job or because I have one hand? Or _both_?” He bit the words out harshly, letting his own self-loathing drip from them.

“No that is not-” Emma tried to explain but Killian just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Then whose type am I, huh? What type of woman I’m allowed to court?”

“Listen, that is not what I meant!” She retaliated, anger sweeping through her own words.

“Look, Emma, I had a terrible Christmas and you just managed to ruin my New Year’s Eve by reminding me how unworthy I am of being loved.” His voice broke at the end and he could feel the tears coming to his eyes. He focused his gaze on the sidewalk, as all he really wanted was to go back to his apartment and lick his wounds with a bottle of rum or two. “So just- leave me alone, would you?”

Her hand on his cheek was a soft balm that send a shiver down his spine. When he lifted his eyes to meet hers, all he could see was longing, aching, this deep sense of understanding that almost took his breath away. Emma’s hand moved slowly from his jaw down his chest.

“You’re not unworthy,” she whispered softly, grabbing the lapels of his jacket and pulling him into a kiss.

It was a full, _real_ kiss this time. Her lips moved pliantly against his, her hands on the lapels of his jacket anchoring him to her as she swayed closer into him. His hand moved of its own accord to her hair, as he tilted his head to kiss her more fully. There was a sound that originated on the back of this throat - half a soft exhale, half a moan - as his entire world shifted into his axis by the soft movement of Emma Swan’s lips against his.

He chased her lips when they broke the kiss, resting his forehead against hers. “That was-” he started as his eyes looked for hers and the spell was broken.

The world came back crashing into them and he could see the way her eyes changed from yearning into a horrified expression.

“A mistake.” She said as she took a few steps away from him. “A big big mistake.” Emma gave him one last look before she turned and ran towards her car.

Killian stood there, staring as she retreated, his fingers touching his swollen lips, with only one thought running through his hand.

_Bloody hell._


	4. Chapter 4

 

Killian barely slept that night. He tossed and turned in bed, reliving Emma’s kiss every time he closed his eyes. By the time dawn broke, he got up and fetched himself a cup of tea and tried to bring some order to his frazzled mind.

_He needed to tell Emma the truth._

She would hate him, that much Killian knew. From what he’d seen of Emma, and the little he pieced together from Anna’s excessive talking, she was someone that wouldn’t trust easily to begin with. To have betrayed the little trust she might have put on him, it was something Killian didn’t expect to be forgiven for. He needed to tell her the truth, not for him - he knew he stood no chance with her - but so she wouldn’t go around beating herself and thinking she’d betrayed her sister.

_He knew he couldn’t do that to her._

He was entertaining those thoughts when his phone rang. The message delivered on the other side made his blood ran cold.

Elsa was awake.

/-/

He made his way towards Elsa’s room, his heart beating frantically in his chest, the words already forming in his head on how his apology should look like.

But it all vanished in one heartbeat as Anna and Ingrid pulled him into a hug and redirected him over Elsa’s bed. From the corner of his eye, he could see Emma’s shoulders stiffen when she noticed him, but he couldn’t say anything before Ingrid spoke.

“And here’s Killian!”

Elsa gave him a small, polite, smile before she tilted her head in confusion. “Who?”

“Your fiancé,” Ingrid said with a beaming smile.

Elsa’s eyes widened comically and Killian felt his heart skip a beat. “ _My what_?”

_Here it is_ , he thought as he prepared for the downfall. But as he was about to open his mouth, his hand raised in a universal _I can explain motion_ , Anna’s gasp interrupted him.

“Oh no! She has amnesia.” Her hand covered her mouth in horror and Killian was so astonished that he couldn’t react before the entire family started spinning the same tale. He moved away from the bed as he gave space to Ingrid and Anna to talk to Elsa.

He noticed Emma moving towards the exit and he walks towards her.

“Emma…” he trailed off, forcing his hand not to reach for her.

She barely looked at him, her green eyes filled with shame. “Not right now, Killian. I need to get the doctor,” she whispered before she quickly exited the room.

/-/

It took over an hour for the doctor’s to check up on Elsa’s vitals and have a few more tests done, all of them confirming that there wasn’t any logical explanation for her amnesia, but that sometimes patients waking up from a coma could be a little disoriented.

Ingrid had insisted that they leave Killian and Elsa together, giving them time to talk to one another and perhaps Killian’s words could trigger her memories.

He tried to refuse but he couldn’t find the will to say anything when Ingrid looked at him with such hope in her face. When they all had left the room, leaving him and Elsa alone, Killian sighed and ran his hand through his hair before he turned around and gave Elsa a soft smile.

“May I?” He pointed at the chair near her bed and she nodded.

“I have to say, I do feel like I know you, but I just can pinpoint from where.” She tilted her head, studying him.

“You see me each morning when you take the train,” he offered politely and his heart gave a little jump of joy when her face lit with recognition.

“You work on the token booth!”

“Aye, I do.”

He wasn’t sure what else to say, and it seemed Elsa didn’t either, so the silence stretched between them. It was Elsa who finally broke it.

“Look, please don’t take this wrong,” she started hesitantly, fidgeting with the blanket of her bed. “But I am not - I cannot be in love with you.”

For months he’d hoped a different answer from her, fully aware that this probably would have been the one he’d gotten. For months he’d thought it would break his heart and made him feel even less worthy of anything in life.

And yet…

“I - I know.” The corner of his lips curved in a sad smile. “Terrible job, one hand, I’m really not a catch-”

Her hand was soft and slightly cold - yet comforting - as she rested it on top of his. “No, that came wrong.” There was a sincere streak in her voice and her eyes were looking at him with anything but kindness. “That was not what I meant and I apologize if that was it seemed I was implying. The truth is, I could have not given you my heart you when-”

She hesitated, looking for the appropriate words, but Killian didn’t need words as he could read in her eyes exactly what she meant.

“When you’ve already given it to someone else?” he ventured.

She tilted her head amazed. “How do you know?”

“Well, it’s clear now.” He shrugged, his eyes boring sincerely into hers.  “The cold look in your eyes whenever you came to the station, how distant you’ve been of your family. They mentioned that you pull away from them a few months ago and Emma was sure you’ve had your heart broken. She-she misses you, you know?” He couldn’t prevent the last bit to escape his lips.

Elsa’s eyes widened in surprise. “Emma doesn’t really talk that much to - well - anyone.”

He shook his head in disbelief. Emma had been right all along.

_And he’d been an utter fool._

/-/

Their conversation had moved to other topics after that, with Killian retelling Elsa the events of the week she’d missed and trying to encourage her to confide in her family again. She was laughing at his tale of Christmas shenanigans when Ingrid, Emma and Anna came back.

“I see that you’ve been getting reacquainted with each other,” Ingrid said, almost beaming at the two of them but Killian only had eyes for Emma. She looked at him longingly for a brief minute, before she averted her eyes and plastered a smile on her face. One that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

And in that moment, he knew.

Killian cleared his throat and looked at Ingrid. “I’m in love with your daughter.”

He felt Elsa stiffen on her bed and Emma’s smile faltering before she schooled her features.

“Yes, we know you’re in love with Elsa.” Ingrid sounded confused and Killian took a deep breath.

“Your _other_ daughter,” he confessed.

Ingrid widened her eyes. “Anna?” she blurted out.

“ _Emma_.” He said her name as a whisper, a plea, as if the world began and ended with her. Because at some point during that week, he’d fallen in love with her. Emma’s eyes were fixated on him and he could see both hope and a reticence of getting her sister hurt. He sighed, knowing he could fix the second thing, but it would cost him the first. It would cost him Emma. And there was nothing he could do about it.

He averted his eyes, ashamed of himself, and focused them on Elsa. ““I lied. I never - I’ve always watched you on the platform, so confident and fierce. But I never dared to talk to you. After all, I’m just a one-handed clerk with no family and no future. You - you seemed to have so much. I didn’t know how to talk to you. When they brought us you here after your accident, they wouldn’t let me see you and somehow, someone misinterpreted my words and thought we were engaged.” His eyes shifted for a brief second to Ingrid and he could see the realization in her face. “I wanted to set the record straight, I did. But then Ingrid showed up and-” he sighed, running his hand through his hair as he stood up. “You have a lovely gift in your family, lass. And all of you have a wonderful gift in the fact that you’ve found each other.” He turned to Ingrid and he could see the tears in her face. “Loneliness is a funny thing. I creeps up in you. It makes you go mad with ache for things that seem normal to others. When all of you showed me kindness and welcomed me, I just couldn’t walk away from what I’ve been yearning from years - _a family_. I was weak.”

He shrugged on his coat and started to walk away. “There is no excuse for what I’ve done, as I’ve managed to broke your confidence and hurt your feelings.” His eyes darted from Elsa to Ingrid. “I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I had to say my apologies anyway.”

Finally, he made it to Emma’s side. Her eyes were filled with tears and disappointment and it broke his heart. “I’m sorry, Emma.” He tried to reach for her, but she took a step away and averted her eyes. “You- you deserved so much better than me,” he finished before he walked away, tears coming to his own eyes.

/-/

It was only a week later that Killian found himself at his booth, another book tucked beneath his left arm as he collected token after token. It was a day like any other day, but it was also different.

“I can’t believe is your last day,” Tink said as she reached to give him half a hug from behind on her way to her break. “Belle is so excited to have someone helping her out on the bookstore. I’m so glad it worked out so quickly.”

“Me too,” Killian smiled. “Thank you, Tink, for - for everything.”

“Happy to help!” she beamed at him before she left the booth.

He went back to his book, and was lost in the story he was reading when her voice reached him.

“We came to live with Ingrid when I was fifteen - almost sixteen - and August was a few days away of turning seventeen.”

Killian lifted his head to find Emma looking shyly at him, her fingers toying with a token. She was a vision in her grey beanie and red leather jacket. Her eyes met his briefly before they focused again on the token. “It took me a while to believe her, to believe that she meant well, that she was not going to send us away. We all have our scars, you know. I ran, August used to invent these concocted stories about us being fairytale characters trapped in this world, Anna tried so hard to bond with everyone, Elsa used to keep to herself. I was so scared to be cast aside again that I did a few really stupid things.” She took a deep breath before her eyes found his. Killian simply looked at her mesmerized. “I got an older boyfriend, got into some troubles, ended up pregnant at seventeen. So, when time came and Elsa went to college, I went to labor. She went to law school, I tried to finish my GDE while raising Henry and working two shifts at a local dinner. Elsa graduated with honors and got snatched away to work at the DA’s office. I barely took a few community college classes and started working bailbonds. She got a lovely apartment with a view and state of the art furniture. I got a half-destroyed house that I slowly rebuilt with August and Ingrid’s help. Elsa gets asked to collaborate overseas on major cases. I leave Henry with Ingrid when I have a stake out late at night. And not once, _not even once_ , I’ve envied her. I’ve never, ever, coveted anything from her, any of things she’d gotten and I didn’t.” There was a softness in her voice as she slid the token into his space, her finger brushing his, sending a jolt of electricity all over him. “That is, until I met you.”

He was out of the booth and gathering in her arms in record time. Killian held on tighter as she embraced him, repeating the same words as a mantra. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“You should have told me.”

“I didn’t know how.” He pulled away enough so he could meet her eyes. “Emma, can you forgive me?” He pleaded.

Her lips curved into a smirk. “You’ve already met my crazy family and you actually _like_ them. That’s a huge mark in the _pro_ column”

Killian chuckled, allowing himself to reach and caress her cheek. “Aye, I do, even if they might not think highly of me at the moment.”

“Are you kidding me? Ingrid threatened to disown me if I didn’t come after you.” Her fingers reached to caress the nape of his neck. “You should know by now that she’d never leave a stray behind. You’re one of us now.” She bit her lower lip and cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Emma, I-”

“Shut up and kiss me, Killian.”

(He did. And it was the first of the many kisses he planned to give her.)


End file.
